Breakfast At The Beach with Tyler Christopher

Welcome to a…sometimes when I feel inspired blog about absolutely nothing other than what I observe and how I interpret it.

Ty Christopher

When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea, and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its noise and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Is anyone reading between the lines in these fuzzy Christmas car commercials? You know…the ones that always have a shiny new car in the driveway wrapped up in a pretty red bow. Meanwhile, inside the perfectly snow-capped middle class suburbia-home sits a bubbly couple playing a strange game of “I know something you don’t know.” Then thank God they put down the cheesy charade and scurry outside to what has “arose such a clatter.” Cut to: “WOW!” he/she replies with an over the top holiday smile that would even make Santa’s lip curl. The hug and blah blah blah. Anyhow, here’s how it would really go down: (cue Christmas song) The happily anxious spouse opens their eyes and…(cue record scratch) The smile turns to jaw clenching anger.
—”WHAT THE F**K!!!?”

—”You…You…You..I cant ____A FU**K**G CAR!!!?”

—”So what your telling me is that for Christmas your gift to me is more debt during a recession?”

(no answer.dead silence. tears flow)

—”Or did you just happen to have Forty large laying around you conveniently forgot about?”

(sobbing now. kids too)

—”DIDNT THINK SO!!!”

—”Thanks a fu****g” lot.

(storms inside and slams the door as the wreath falls off)

Lesson learned: If you are going to _______buuuuuuy me a car. Make sure I have no financial ties to it.

Or the insurance.

Oh. And chip in for gas.

Tyler Christopher

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When he farts…people draw closer and thank him for his ass emanates pure oxygen.

His shit…literally doesn’t stink. In fact…it has just been patented by Chanel.

Although he has never lost a sock…he’s the only one who knows where they all are.

I.E. Charlie Sheen

I don’t always slam seven gram rocks. But when I do…I do it all at once!

Ty Christopher

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Pimped Out Cabs

If I see one more cab with low profile tires outfitted with $4000 rims I’m going to quit acting and have a sex change then change back to a man again. That’s how ridiculous it is. I was on a hike in Austin on Tuesday and on my way back outside of the Hotel I see a shiny cab, freshly polished and waxed waiting for it’s next victim. As I pan down to the “shoes” what do I see? 20” tires with enough Armour All on them to shine the floors of the TaJ Mahal accompanied with five spoke chrome rims to match. ON A CAB! Even on a beat up Impala you’re still kind of a douche but on a cab? Come on. Does he think that because of his vehicular lingerie I will have a slow motion moment where my hair blows in the wind to the theme song from Ferris Buehlers Day Off and say to myself, “I must ride four blocks in that cab.” I can see it now – me bumping my head to DMX with the windows down on my way to the club in a tricked out yellow cab that actually says, “yellow cab” on the side. Oh the simple pleasures in life.

Ty Christopher

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With everything that has happened in the past year with TP and company a fan would be like minded to question the integrity of the program. On the flip side let’s consider an alternative perception. Luke Fickell and Mike Vrabel are now on staff. Who better than young, former, integral players to capture the helm? I say add Chris Spielman as D-coordinator, Eddied George as running backs coach and collectively start busting chops/balls on campus. If you cant get respect and attention from those four guys then it just isn’t going to happen. Chris, Luke, Eddie and Mike aren’t ignorant to the pitfalls of big boy college football. They know what to embrace and what to ignore from “outsiders”. As a young elite athlete or a parent of one you know the difference between right and wrong when it comes to regulations set forth by the NCAA. You don’t have to agree with them but you must adhere. If I’m the QB for the Bucks and someone gives me a BMW for free it doesn’t take a genius to ponder if I should accept it given my position as a blue chip athlete at an elite University. The onus is on the athlete – not the university. This madness that is surrounding the sport that I love the most needs to stop. Find a standard of practice and mandate it with the passion in which the NFL is trying to remedy it’s issues. Why is it not a criminal offense punishable by jail to solicit an amateur athlete? Or is it? If it is, who is in jail for it?

Ty Christopher

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No disrespect to the profession as I’m sure that sketching a murder trial isn’t the only thing you do. However, I must question the job at hand. The judge has ordered no cameras in the courtroom? Correct? So the alternative is to make a drawing of what is happening during the trial? Hmmm? What am I to gain from viewing a sketch that attempts to convey the drama inside a courtroom? Am I to say, “OOOhh, he looks guilty in that drawing.” Seriously, what is the point? If anyone can justify my tax dollars for this seemingly insignificant position I will draw a picture of me throwing dollar bills into the ocean because that is what it feels like when I see an artist rendered trial. On the other hand the artist has all the power. If that one image is all the public will see, think of the possibilities. If I’m the artist I can draw up anything I deem necessary. If I want him to look guilty I’ll just draw a picture of him picking his nose during the testimony from his girlfriend stating she was physically abused by him before he went on that killing spree. If I want him to be sympathetic I’ll have him sobbing during that same testimony. Anyway, it’s 2011 not 1811. Either videotape the trial or don’t show me it at all. And certainly don’t make me pay for it.

Ty Christopher

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So it’s no secret that you can rent rather than own an RV.(recreational vehicle for those who live in clay houses). Living in Malibu there are so many tourist thusly I keep seeing RV’s roll through on their strolls through California. The one commonality and issue I have is the RV company from which they are rented. It’s called “Cruise America.” Great title and great company I’m sure. However, if you have ever seen the flanks of these RV’s they are plastered with the logo of the company along with the phone number and website accompanied by a mural of an exotic landscape that displays a potential journey. What it should say on the side is, “I CAN’T AFFORD MY OWN RV SO I GOT THIS ONE INSTEAD.” Look, I know it’s a luxury to even rent one and I appreciate the opportunity to do so but don’t throw it in my face. Just give me a plain RV with nothing on it so I can roll through our beautiful country with my fist in the air proclaiming, “yeah, this is how I do it.” But with all the mish mush on the side all you get is the “bird” from the guy in the 40′ Winnebago Tour passing you at 80mph.

Ty Christopher

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